


leaving.

by Colourspaz



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Suicide, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-02
Packaged: 2020-10-05 15:11:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20490917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colourspaz/pseuds/Colourspaz
Summary: Brian's leaving. Leaving home, leaving Ireland, leaving David.





	leaving.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [theres no bed to share.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19993387) by [gayonaweekday](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayonaweekday/pseuds/gayonaweekday). 

> There is a suicide in this at the very end, so please do not read if that would trigger you. The whole thing is pretty heavy on the angst.

His chest feels too tight. Too cold. He feels like he can’t breathe and he’s about to cry but he pushes it down. He pushes it down for him. 

For Brian. 

Brian’s leaving, leaving Ireland, leaving _David_ and moving to America and David’s going to be all alone and he knows how selfish he’s being but he just can’t - Brian’s leaving him and that’s all he can think about. 

He’s currently driving down to Dublin, to say a final goodbye before Brian leaves for the airport tomorrow. The car is too quiet, but he doesn’t have the energy to put on any music. 

Strangely enough, driving is monotonous and easy enough to almost take his mind off of everything. 

_Check the mirror, check through the window, turn signal on, and...merge into the lane._

He tries not to think about how bad the drive back will be. 

~

“Hey, dude. Thanks for coming.” Brian says, opening the door. 

“Of course.” He replies. He feels like he should say something else. Something more. His time with Brian that isn’t through a screen and an internet connection is limited, and he feels like he’s wasting it. 

He pushes that thought to the side and steps through the door and into the hug being offered by Brian. 

Brian’s shirt is soft, and he’s warm and he smells of that really nice cologne he uses sometimes and David almost loses it right then and there. He takes a deep breath and gets as much scent in his lungs as he can, and then pulls away before the hug gets too long. 

A million things fly through David’s head, but he chooses to just say “It’s nice to see you.” 

Brian smiles at him, and David’s heart skips a beat. 

“Well, come on in. Most everything’s packed up, but we can still find some good fun. And we’re going to have to share an air mattress tonight, unless you want to sleep on the couch.” Brian says, stepping to the side so that David can walk in all the way. 

David laughs. 

“I think I’m a little too tall to fit on the couch comfortably.” 

“Fair enough.” 

They fall into easy conversation, but something in the back of David’s mind keeps reminding him that _he’s leaving he’s leaving he’s leaving you and it’s all because of you it’s because you weren’t good enough and now he’s leaving-_

“Hey, you alright?” Brian’s voice and a soft hand on his arm interrupts his thoughts. 

“Yeah, just. Lost in thought, I guess.” 

"Ah, happens to the best of us. Want to head out for dinner or order in?" 

"Order in, I suppose." 

"Cool. Whaddya want?" 

"Your choice, man." 

_You're the one leaving, after all._

~

They end up ordering McDonald's, because Brian says he wants to have "The good stuff" one more time before he leaves. 

"It's not like they don't have McDonald's in the US, Brian." 

"Yeah, but there's stuff that you can only get here, though. _That's_ what I'm ordering."

"Fair 'nuff." 

They put on a movie while they eat. David tries to force down as much as he can, but the sour feeling in his mouth puts him off his food after not too long. He doesn't pay attention to the movie, either. He's too busy staring at Brian. 

_he's leaving he's leaving he's leaving he's leaving he's leavinghe'sleavinghe'sleavinghe'sleavingHE'SLEAVING H E ' S L E A V I N G. HE'S LEAVING YOU AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT._

"David?"

_And do you know why he's leaving you? It's because you aren't good enough. You're fucking pathetic. You couldn't keep your feelings in check, and now he definitely knows that you're in love with him and he hates you because of it. He hates you. HE HATES YOU AND HE'S LEAVING BECAUSE OF YOU._

"David, hey!" 

Brian's voice snaps him back to reality. 

"You okay, bud?" 

All David can manage is a nod and a half-smile. His throat feels too dry and his stomach is churning and his chest is too tight and if he speaks he's definitely going to cry. 

Brian shoots him a look, one that's soft and full of concern, and David's heart is ripped out of his chest. 

"Hey, I've been your friend long enough to know when something's up." 

"I just - I don't know. I'm gonna miss you." 

"I'm going to miss you too."

_LIES._

"It's not like we won't play together and Skype and all that, though, right?"

_He hates you. He hates you and he has to move out of the country just so that he never has to see you again._

"Yeah." 

David's voice is barely a whisper. 

Brian's hand is still on his arm, a beacon of warmth on his numb, frozen body. He can't move. He can't speak. 

And then. 

And then Brian's hugging him. Pulling him closer and wrapping his arms around David's numb body, and the warmth that floods through him almost makes him sigh. He catches himself, though, and instead returns the hug, his arms fitting around Brian perfectly. 

_He's leaving._

He doesn't know how long they stay like that. The movie's credits finished rolling a long time ago, and they're still in each other's arms, pretending like everything's okay. Pretending like Brian isn't leaving tomorrow. 

Eventually, David is the one who pulls away. 

"I'm sorry." He says, not quite able to meet Brian's eyes. 

"For what?" Brian's voice is soft, and if David didn't know better, he'd think Brian actually cared. 

"For acting like it's the end of the world." 

"That's not something you need to apologise for. I'm literally moving to another fucking continent. I'm going to miss you, too." 

_No, he won't. He's so happy to be getting rid of you._

All David says is a quiet "I know." 

"And I'll come back for at least the holidays, okay?"

"Okay."

They go to sleep not long after that. Well, Brian goes to sleep, but David can't, no matter how hard he tries. He maps Brian's silhouette over and over in the dim light from the window. 

He's frozen. Even if he wanted to move, he couldn't; all he can do is lay there and watch the slow rise and fall of Brian's chest. He's so cold, too, despite all the blankets covering him and the human furnace lying next to him. 

The cold goes throughout his whole body and deep into his bones; he has a funny feeling that it's going to last for a while. 

~

Breakfast is a quick coffee at the cafe down the road before they're saying their goodbyes. David's been positively _dreading_ this moment. 

"Well. I guess I'll see you...probably tomorrow, honestly. I think Evan wants to go on another Minecraft adventure." Brian laughs as he says this, but it's dry. Forced. 

"Suppose so." 

"I'll miss you nonetheless." 

"I lo-" 

A sour feeling fills his mouth, knowing that those words, those feelings, aren't reciprocated. So he swallows, pushes the words deep down, and instead says, "Yeah. I'll miss you too. Good luck."

As David watches him drive away, he knows he should feel sad, but in all honesty, he can't feel...anything right now. He's cold and numb and he knows that that should scare him, but it doesn't. 

The drive back to his house is monotonous and quiet. The house is quiet, too. And cold. Or is that just him? 

His dogs jump all over him excitedly, but he doesn't have the energy to play with them. He should eat, but he doesn't have the energy to do that, either. 

He finds himself on the couch, just laying there. He's not sleeping, or thinking. All he can do is lay there. 

He's cold, and he's numb. 

He doesn't know how much time passes before he gets up. The sky became dark a long time ago. He takes his dogs out for a walk, and he fills their food and water bowls, and he responds to texts, but he's just going through the motions. 

Eventually, he goes upstairs, picks up his guitar and a pencil, and starts writing. 

~

It's been two months, three weeks, and six days since Brian left Ireland, and David doesn't know why he's counting, but he is, and he can't bring himself to stop. 

He's worried that his numbness is showing in his videos. He's gotten countless concerned texts from all of his friends, Brian included. He makes up excuses every time. 

He starts playing video games less and less, and playing his guitar more and more. He stopped streaming a long time ago, and he only posts videos every so often, far less than he used to. 

His room is covered in half finished sheets of music and scrawled lyrics, and his hands are rough and covered in calluses from the constant playing. 

He was right about the cold being a constant thing. He's gotten used to it now, and he hardly notices it most days, but there are Bad Days, too. Ones where he can't even get out of bed and he feels so _cold_ and _numb_ and _hopeless_ that he thinks he might just wither away and die, unnoticed and alone. 

Brian calls him in a private chat one day, his voice soft and concerned. There's nothing David wants to do more than to spill everything, all the things he's been holding in; not just the feelings of _numb_ and _cold_ and _i can't live with you so far away_ that he's had since Brian left, but the feelings of _i love you_ and _you're the most amazing wonderful beautiful person i know_ that he's had since he met Brian. 

But he doesn't, because he knows he would destroy everything. 

_You can never tell him. He already hates you. He had to move to another fucking continent to get rid of you. And yet you still have a crush on him. Pathetic. You're pathetic. You're overreacting. You're worthless._

_You should kill yourself._

~

It's been a year, five months, two weeks, and four days since Brian left. David's finally finished his song. It's sad and it's sweet and it's his one last good thing before he leaves for good. 

He tidies his room; tidies the whole house. He leaves his dogs with the neighbors, asking them to bring them back in a couple of days. He makes sure to hug them extra tight before he heads back home. 

His room is bare, minimalist, save for his guitar on the bed and the words to his song on his desk. He gingerly sits down on the perfectly made bed and picks up his guitar. Something compels him to turn on his camera, and so he does. 

He pours as much feeling and emotion as he can into the song, and when he's done, he's surprised to feel tears streaming down his face. 

He wipes them away, and saves the video to a file on his laptop labelled _'Brian.'_

Then he puts the guitar down, heads into the bathroom, and unscrews the cap of the full bottle of the pills he bought for just this purpose. 

They go down almost like candy, and as his mind is growing fuzzy, he swears he can feel a spark of warmth in his chest, something he hasn't felt in a long time. 

He thinks, _"I'm sorry, Brian,"_ and then the world goes dark.


End file.
